Thursday, March 19, 2009

An Open Letter to AIG Chairman Edward M. Liddy

Yo, Eddie,

I listened to a lot of your testimony in front of congress the other day, I think you did pretty well. Let me say I have no sympathy for you though even if some of opportunistic abuse from the senators was over the top (and it was). We know you weren't there when the mess was created, but you took the job know the mess was there, so, you own it now, just like Barack Obama owns the mess the rest of the nation is in (due in no small part to your recently acquired subordinates).

The one item I did take a severe issue with was the contention that the bonuses were intended to retain the best people.....The best at what? Fucking up beyond all belief?

I think you get that we're not pissed off over the amount of the bonuses, but that there were bonuses at all. For the people in your corner attempting to reason that the bonuses are such a small part of the TARP fund as to be insignificant, they completely miss the point. You see, it wouldn't matter if they got a 50 cent bonus. A bonus is supposed to show appreciation for a job well done. Yet, your new charges are getting rather substantial bonuses, so how does that work? Sure, I supposed if the stated goal of the business unit was to bring the United States to the brink of economic collapse, they did quite well. Or perhaps there wasn't really a goal per se, but rather to just see how badly they could fuck up. Again, they would have met that performance goal.

I have a proposition for you. Hire me. I can fuck up with the best of them, and I won't demand nearly the bonus the rest of your employees demand. I can guarantee you that I can out-fuck-up anyone on your staff, bar none. If I meet your fucking-up goal, simply give me 10% of the salary plus bonus of the top fuck-up in your group. If I am not your top fuck-up at the end of the year, I'll just take 10% of your top-fuck-ups salary, and you can keep the bonus. One thing is for sure, I certainly couldn't do any _worse_ than your 'top performers'. No, you would need a card carrying neo-con to do _that_ bad.

I think we should start with creating a new mutual fund based on the porn industry, Just set that puppy rolling and we'll be swimming in dough in a matter of weeks. You'll have that debt paid off in a few years. The only thing left would be what to do with that free time, since the debt of our nation would be amply settled by people fucking themselves stupid, we would only need to count the cash and sent it out to our debtors once or twice a week.

I'm thinkin':

Commando Mondays - where all employees are prevented from wearing underwear. The beauty of this is that it isn't even sexist. I would have absolutely no problem making you drop your pants in the lobby of the AIG headquarters for inspection, as well as everyone else on your 'staff'. If there's one thing that would bring humility to your office, it would be a junk inspection every monday AM.

Cross dressing wednesdays (speaks for itself)

(I volunteer to head the inspection committees)

Beer Trike fridays where the office is divided into several teams, a hold a relay race through the cubicles wearing beer hats and you must complete the beer _and_ the lap before the next person takes over.

Feel free to contact me, I have no doubt that you have the resources to find me if you want to. Take care, but please, get to fucking working cleaning up this mess, and make sure you pay the rest of us back, k?



Il Bruce said...

Let me know if you need a personal assistant.

solobreak said...

I thought this was interesting. I'm not sure what to think of Cuban, but his insider viewpoint makes more sense than the typical radio show ranting that most opinions on this subject sound like.

zencycle said...

I think he gives the protagonists a bit too much credit. I think there's a whole lot more greed and less contributory ethic involved. Hell, I love being a part of a team, and it means way more to me to be considered a valued contributor that making a boatload of cash, which would explain why I'm always broke (not really, but, let's just says my disposable income is usually disposed of before it comes in). the people we're talking about here are in it for the money, pure and simple. Greedy fuckwads.
IB - You can check the old fat guys, I get every female under the age of 40.

Il Bruce said...

Not for that part. Just the trike racing and such.

Just a question though, would I have to wear skivvies all the other days?