stress

I don't handle stress well. I'd like to say I do, and envision myself the pinnacle of stoicism like my father. There's a man for you. 21 years in the army, 3 tours of vietnam, wounded once, then year-long 'temporary' assignments - one on the island of Shemya, the third to last island in the Aleutian chain with massive radio dishes listening to the soviet union; and another on a peninsula in turkey overlooking the caspian sea, massive radio dishes listening to the soviet union.

All that and he has yelled at me a total of 2 times in my life. He didn't need to yell. He had that look, the speak-softly-and-carry-a-big-stick mannerism, which kept me in line quite effectively through my raging male adolescent hormones coupled with my mothers temper.

I've been in my job about 18 months. During my first review, my boss noted "he does not suffer fools lightly".

indeed.

As our economy tanks, and my wife and I are saddled with an exceptionally poor financial decision in the form of a three family rental property in Manch-Vegas, my stress level has shown little potential for abatement.

So how does one who does not deal well with stress or suffer fools lightly deal with stress?

Sex? No magic there. I've been married for 13 blissful years, Let's just say you single guys really aren't missing much in that department.

There's always substance 'therapy'. A reasonable short-term regimen, but continued use leaves you less well prepared to deal with the situations creating the stress, the situations compound, and you get stuck in a downwardly spiraling morass of stress-inducers.

Exercise. While not giving the immediate gratification of sex, or detachment from reality of drugs and alcohol, does have the benefit of low-pass-filtering the ebbs and flows of bio rhythms and lifes speedbumps.

So, I've been running alot. I've been a licensed bike racer for 20 years, but over the last few I'm finding the peripheral situations associated with racing create as much stress as the activity alleviates. running - not so. It's the getting outside that does it. I could start my typical winter training program and lock myself in the basement for 8 hours/week. I'd be stronger and more fit come the end of march, but still really pissed off. Instead, I'm running about 5 hours/week outside.

I'm looking forward to the warmer weather when I can start commuting by bike to work - one of the best stress relievers to date (for me). Gets the yayas out.


till then, Maybe I'll try to strike some sort of formula with sex, alcohol, and running....not necessarily in that order.

more music

yup,
molly hatchet

my life set to music

My friend Solobreak put some stuff related to music on his blog, and it inspired me to to some reminiscing of my own.

First show - jethro tull boston garden 1979

favorite show - rick derringer fitchburg theater 1980

best performance - bob seger boston garden '81 (recorded on the 'nine tonight' album)

rowdiest show - ZZtop cape cod coliseum '81 - loverboy opened (whose bright fucking idea was that?) and got bood off stage, staties were finally brought in after the show was over and no one was leaving the parking lot, fights all day and night.

loudest show - pat travers band fitchburg theater '81

worst show - ozzie solo, two years running, centrum '84+'85. gawd he sucked.

most repeats - zztop 3 shows, j geils band 3 shows

biggest let down - rush, centrum '82 sounded to much like the album.

biggest pleasant surprise - Nazareth, orpheum, '82

Best guitar work - rick derringer, fitchburg theater, '79 and Rik Emmet (triumph) centrum '84(?)

best drum work - neil peart of rush, centrum '82

best take-control-of-the-audience-and squeeze-their-brains show - nine inch nails, centrum, '97

best we're-just-up-here-fucking-off show - joe perry project, palladium, worcestor, '83(?)

last show - The Offspring centrum, '02


Other bands I've seen live -

Kansas
black sabbath (sans ozzie thank the gods)
blue oyster cult
foghat
blondie
david johansen
loverboy
ted nugent
damn yankees
james taylor
new england (remember them?)
van halen (david lee roth and sammy hagar)
sammy hagar solo
david lee roth solo
depeche mode
cypress hill
the the
stevie ray vaughn
robert cray
the english beat
david crosby solo
don henley solo

This doesn't count all the local groups I've seen in the past 25 years at clubs and theaters. I know I've missed a few, maybe I'll list them in my next post.....six months from now

lessons

We all continue to learn lessons, or at least as sentient rational beings, we should. The lesson I keep relearning is that things aren't always as bad as they seem, to wit:

I was hired at my current job in September of '06. I was brought in in a temp-perm capacity, a three month probation, if you will. I was told at the end of three months that the budget had been frozen for permanent hires. However, my boss and the department manager were impressed with my diligence and work ethic, and told me to write a long-term contract proposal that would essentially compensate for all the benefits I wouldn't be getting.

That, I did. , and ended up with this:

(you'll have to excuse the formatting, I don't feel like fucking with it to get it perfect, no one's going to read this shit anyways)

_____________________________________

This proposal doe not include any fees or rates x may be obligated to as part of a contractual agreement with any contract or staffing agency. Those fees must be negotiated between x and the aforementioned agency, based upon the hourly wage due to me as proposed below.

This proposal is based upon a permanent employee rate of $x/hr or 62400/yr, 40hrs/wk for 52 weeks.

Annual Hourly

Base Salary - $x $x/hr

The hourly wage will be recalculated for billable hours for a standard 40 hour work week for 52 weeks, minus time normally afforded to a permanent employee for vacations, holidays, and sick time.

40 hrs * 52 wks 2080

Time off

Vacation and sick 120

Holiday 72

Actual billable hours 1888

Base salary adjusted for time off ($x/1888hrs) $x/hr

Health Insurance – based on quote supplied by Demar Associates (available upon request)

Basic premium – $x/yr (note: hourly line items are calculated $/hr
Accident – $x based on the annual rate/1888 billable $
Ambulatory care – $x hours per year, then rounded to the $
Emergency room – $x nearest $.01) $
Doctors office visits– $xx $

Dental care – $x $

Eye care – $x $

Life ins. Premium – $x $

Disability – $x $

Total annual medical benefits $/yr $/hr

( the discrepancy in total Medical Benefits Annual versus Hourly rates exists due to rounding the line items)

401K match - 3%/yr $x/hr

Proposed Total Wage $x $x/hr

(proposed Annual Wage based upon hourly rate * 1888 billable hours/year)

Increases to this proposal

The Proposed Total Wage will be subject to an annual increase based on the boston-Brockton-Nashua region Core Consumer Price index increase plus 1 point as published by the United States Department of Labor Bureau of Labor Statistics. The minimum increase shall be 1%. The proposed wage cannot decrease under any circumstances, excluding the termination of the contract.

_____________________________________________________________


It ended up being what amounted to to a 25% pay increase. They bought it with no trepidation, and little question.

Well, here I am a year later. I'm told that the permanent budget is still frozen. So I submit this:

_________________________________________________
Accomplishments
In the past year at x I have come up to speed well on the technology and mission of the organization. Although I feel I could be contributing significantly more towards the success of the Andover R&D group, my personal impression is that my impact has been successful, acknowledged, and appreciated.

Specific achievements -

(laundry list, won’t bore you with details)

Wage Increase Rationale
The following data was gleaned from the U.S. Department of Labor Bureau of Labor Statistics website (http://www.bls.gov).

The Consumer Price Index change for the period of august '06 to august '07 in the Boston-Brockton-Nashua region was 3.1%

The average wage increase for production and nonsupervisory workers on private nonfarm payrolls in the professional and business services industry sector, Boston-Worcestor-Lawrence region, from aug '06 to aug '07 was 5.9%

Based on my successful assimilation into the x environment I feel a merit increase of 6% is not unreasonable, and well justified by the industry average. In order to keep pace with inflation, an additional 3% is necessary.

Therefore, I request a total wage increase of 9%.

Feel free to discuss this with me at your convenience.

______________________________________________________

My boss replied with this:

"Your new salary rate will be $x/hour (a 12.8% increase), effective Tuesday, October 9^th.
We really appreciate your hard work and excellent performance."

_________________________________________________

"they like me, they really like me!" - sally field when winning her academy award.

Since I've been hired here, my salary has increased 50% from my last job.

So what is the lesson that was re-learned? Things aren't always a gloomy as they seem. When I was told they couldn't hire me after taking a position on the _promise_ of a permanent job, I felt screwed, lied to, had visions of losing my job and not getting another one, going bankrupt, etc, yadayadayada. Now, I see people around me, having emotional, financial, and health issues firmly beyond their control. I have to keep relearning how lucky I really am.

REally, Really lucky. But, I'll forget again. Because I'm a spoiled selfish brat.

Somebody slap me.

selfish

So I reread my last post and there was some drivel about regular posts. Once every six months. That'll be about it.

I've had alot of stupid shit happening in my life recently, most of it beyond my control. So now. I'm tired.

Fucking tired.

I need a vacation. A real one where you go away and don't worry about all the shit back home. Still, I compare my problems to many of those around me, and they pale in comparison.

My relative (cousin) whose son suffers from manic depression, but hates taking his meds and pulled a knife on his dad (my cousin) recently.

My friend who owns his own business and ended up getting sued by three different people for three separate unrelated issues, and if the lawsuits don't succeed in bankrupting him, the lawyers fees might.

Then there's all the other assorted bullshit going on in the world, from genocide in Sudan to idiot fundamentalists killing each other for no legitimate reason, and worse yet, the innocents caught up in the cross fire.

So my life is actually pretty good, but still, when it happens to you it sucks. This is because we are spoiled and selfish. I'm spoiled. I'm selfish. I just want to get paid for doing as little work as possible and get enough sleep so i don't get dropped in my next race. When things happen that interfere with that plan, I get cranky. Because I'm selfish and spoiled.

So Fuck You. I need a vacation

like it matters.......

Wow, I'm not sure I'd be able to pull off a 60 mile hill ride right now. Granted, I was on my fixed gear yesterday, but we didn't exactly hit any real hills, and only one short climb of any significance. By the last climb I was feeling it. Of course staying up and drinking until 1 am may have had something to do with it. How did you feel/fare with the other riders?

The banquet was pretty typical for this crew. They have it every year in this chinese resaurant with a bar/lounge. I don't know how they are around you, but up here they're all over the place. All have the same food, same drinks, and with only a few exceptions they all have karaoke on weekends. I haven't been in there in over a year, but it's right by my house so I know the set-up. I've noticed a disturbing trend over the years of more rap karaoke. Last saturday, the first singer was actually pretty good and did a melissa etheridge song. She was the last real singer of the night. After that, they all sucked beyond belief, and half of them were drunk suburban white kids doing rap songs, I mean come on, how fvcked up is rap karaoke?

Anyways, most of the guys are casual racers and casual drinkers. We have a few real drinkers and a few real racers. There is a small union of those last two sets, of which I'm a proud member. There are like 4 of us that drink as hard as we race. They've been trying to recruit new members into the club, and it kind of looks like they dug up three new guys and two new girls. One of the guys already races, the other two are pretty much novices. Neither girl races, but one is a personal trainer. The personal trainer was there last night, the other girl wasn't.

The trainer is about 40, and bore a striking resemblance to the the ex-wife of a guy that used to be a hard racer/drinker, but now just drinks. She got hooked into the club by the club president who is also a member of the drinking/racing union. She's about 5'4", probably 110 pounds, and very fit, long blonde hair, salon tan, overall very cute, but somewhat recently divorced with an attitude that goes with that. She was pacing herself between margaritas and seltzer water. At one point in the evening she was the only girl left with about 7 guys, she seemed comfortable with that, probably digging the attention, but half of us were married, and if there's one thing bike racers like to talk about it's bikes and racing. So no one was hitting on her, and she was actually asking a lot of good questions about the sport, teamwork, tactics, I think she felt like 'one of the guys' rather than a single girl out at a bar. She got kind of a kick listening to us bust each other chops about stupid things we've done in races. I think you know how different it is being with people whose motives you aren't questioning.

There was another guy named john (casual racer/drinker) there that loves to talk about politics. He gets all worked up about how evil liberals are, yadayadayada. I got into an argument with him about a year ago about some stupid shit on a club ride, and he actually came out with "no one should be surprised if I walk into some liberal politicians office someday and open fire". This was just after that nutbag in tennessee opened fire in that unitarian church during a kids play. I basically told him to never talk to me again (plus a few other choice words) and turned off the ride headed home (not to brag but this dude couldn't keep up with me on his best day). A couple other guys scolded him that if he didn't cool it with the political discussion he shouldn't bother showing up any more. They don't give a rats ass about liberal/conservative anything, they just don't want zealots of any stripe showing up - kills the buzz. I know most of the guys are actually pretty conservative, so for them to shut him down and tell me later that they scolded him should say something about him.

So this new girl gets into an argument with the john after she mentioned listening to a story about the olympics she heard on NPR. That set Mr. Politics off into lala land, and she wasn't about to back down. Seems she's as liberal as I am and has that recent-divorce-anger. I started to overhear them, and went behind john and started whispering "we're every wheeeerrrrrreee" but I don't think he heard me, or he was ignoring me. The team captain hears him about ready to blow, and actually stepped in to separate them. So he moves her on the other side of me and moves the dude behind someone else and told him to calm down. The other guys and I were laughing the whole time. She was pretty tense, and couldn't understand why he got so wired up all of a sudden. I told her 'you're trying to hammer a nail with a banana', and told her the shooting story. Then the team captain comes over to her and says, 'don't worry about john, when he starts talking about politics we usually just turn up the radio.' So I changed the subject to bike fit, she was cool with that.

Now, the other woman that was there doesn't really race, but she goes on the group training rides and works her ass off. She's a workout junkie, about 25, wicked cute girl. I've known her for about 4 years - she used to date this guy Chris on the team and now they're FWB - and she was more ripped/stacked/fit than I've ever seen her. You might remember a blog story I wrote about a couple that showed up on a tandem that kicked everyone's ass on the ride except me, and I just outsprinted them at the end of the ride, that was her and Chris. Well, it seems she hooked up with some personal trainer, and man if that girl is _sculpted_. We could actually see hamstring definition through her jeans. Now, she isn't bulky at all. If she was wearing a long sleeved shirt and just the jeans she had on, you wouldn't think she was out of the ordinary. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and kept giving us a gun-show, not intentionally. I think "gun-show" should be her new nick-name. I finally said to her 'cmon jackie show us those guns' and she got this big smile and did one of those body building poses. I said "no, do this" and I flexed my arms and took turns kissing my biceps (hers were bigger, of course that isn't hard to do). Chris starts laughing really hard and says, "oh dude, she totally does that!!" I asked 'wow, what have you been doing', so she gives me the readers digest version of her workouts, then sticks her leg out and says "feel how hard my quad is, go ahead, slap it!" So of course I did, and son of a biatch if it wasn't as solid as the ice-filled drainpipes on the north side of my house.

fun night!

Sent: Monday, February 22, 2010 2:58 PM

To: Zen

Subject: Re: Is it over?

>I actually have more to tell about the banquet if you're interested.
Tell away. I'm always game for good stories. Particularly ones that involve athletes and alcohol.

>I just don't see that being a dominant characteristic of your personality
And you're right. I'm not inherently a bitch. It's just that I can be when pushed.

>Judy is a total b!tch
True. An outer shell that's hard as nails, but totally mush under it all.

>You and chad just weren't compatible
try telling him that. he's still pretty convinced i am the one for him. i'm convinced otherwise. plus, not sure i'm ready to move away from my friends and family. mostly friends. but dad is here too. and i'm a total daddy's girl.

Speaking of friends, i spent saturday afternoon with teammates and friends at the LBS. it actually got up to about 45 degrees yesterday, so i went out with buddies for a 60 mile hill ride. legs were trashed from the sub-8min 17 mile run day before, but i'm really gaining a total love for the bike. And i totally appreciate my teammates. otherwise, that ride would've been horrendous.

From:	"Zen"
To:
Date:	02/22/2010 02:25 PM
Subject:	Re: Is it over?

---

Well, you know what they say, men are like city busses........As far as 'b!tch' goes, I just don't see that being a dominant characteristic of your personality. Maybe because we've never really met or 'hung out', but I'm usually decent at picking up on that. for instance, Judy is a total b!tch. Granted, she's had a rough life, and I think she needs to be given a lot of slack for that and especially for pulling herself out that life, but I don't think I could ever get too tight with her. You and chad just weren't compatible for more than a fling. Not really anyone's fault, you're you, he's him, no sense it forcing something that isn't meant to be. You both had some good times and it' better to dwell on those than push false emotions.

Not a fan of hoppy beer. I'm more into the malty brews. I had a Berkshire Coffehouse Porter recently that was heavenly. Rich but not filling, with a hint of fresh brewed coffee aroma, and slightly sweeter than guinness. We have a local resaturant that has 36 microbrew on tap, and they change one of two of them every month. The closest thing they have to a mass produced beer is guinness.

Weekend was ok. I spent two hours friday tweaking up my ice bike which included fixing a flat that I got the weekend before and rode the bike two miles on. I thought the tire was ok, but saturday morn I got out to ride and literally - one pedal stroke (no exaggeration) and tire blows completely off the rim. It was so bad the tube didn't even blow, I tried to reseat it but didn't even get it fully inflated and it did it again. So I went home and took my dog for a 90 minute run in the woods. We tried some new trails and almost fell through some ice in a swampy area. My dog was so tired that she walked up the stairs into the house, she usually 'gallops' up them.

My old team had their club banquet saturday night. It's at a local chinese restaurant/bar/lounge. Stoopid local kids doing rap karaoke. Who's bright fvcking idea is rap karaoke?

They're trying to get me to come back to the team so they invited me and bought me beer. We actually drank the bar _out_ of sam adams, and they have nothing on tap. The place is a real sh!t hole. Anyways, we closed the place (1:00AM) and sunday I got 2 1/2 hours on my fixed gear. I was so whipped by sunday evening from the hangover and the bike ride plus talking the dog for a long walk that I fell asleep at 7 pm.

sorry this got so long. I actually have more to tell about the banquet if you're interested.

From: amanda.lindsey@pnc.com
Sent: Monday, February 22, 2010 1:52 PM
To: Zen
Subject: Re: Is it over?

moving on. it's better for him that way. i mean, if he hangs on (and i allow him to), i'll just end up hurting him even worse. i can be a real btch at times. but that's in the genes, right?

so, i went out with Rob this weekend and enjoyed a few. I might have a new favorite in Bell's Hopslam. so fragrant and delicious. but i love me some hops.

how was your weeknd?

From:	"Zen"
To:
Date:	02/22/2010 01:45 PM
Subject:	Is it over?

---

Hey kiddo,
Just wondering how things ended up with chad - giving it a shot or moving on?

Why Are We Here?

In the style of Zen, I can only offer a 'because' as the answer. But who am I to even dare to offer an answer to this question? Does it even matter?

You may wish to reply "you're just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the frozen beef pies at boneys market"...; still others say "piss on you, jack, you're just a crazy italian who drives a red car" ...
you see, nobody really knows for sure.

I'm here to make the best of it, and call out injustice and idiots when I see them. You may think I am an idiot, but nothing could be further from the truth. Arrogant? yes. Rude? certainly. Even...Asshole? This, I cannot deny. But an idiot...I am not.

I've found cycling to be the path to which I mainitain my sanity, as tenuous as that may be, for I would certainly be on serious medication if it were not for my two-wheeled outlet.

Be well, and if you're visiting here to complain about something, get over it, or go fuck fuck yourself.